04/06/19
Here we go again, it’s update time. I’ve been less pro-active in the MH space since the last one. There has been lots of introspective auditing of my life, my decisions, my behaviours, my goals, my priorities, just me I guess. I’ll be honest, I’m not won over by a lot of what I see. I know I’m a good person with good intentions. I know, that at the time, I have always done things because I believed them to be the right option at the time. I know I have always endeavoured to consider my actions and their impacts on others.
However, I’m becoming more aware and therefore begin to feel able to understand the shadows that were obscuring much of that “appropriate” decision making, negatively influencing some of those behaviours and beliefs.
I’ve always pushed the facade of being strong, not caring what others think, gladly taking the strain, being the rock for my circle. Not alpha male by any stretch but a wolf at heart.
Behind the scenes, I’ve struggled, I’ve operated on a level of constant paranoia that I’m not doing a good enough job, that I’m letting people down, that I’m not doing my best, that people think I’m a failure, I think I’m a failure.
I have been existing in a self created paradox. My Anxiety can mean I care too much about everything. My Depression can mean I don’t really care about anything.
Combine the two and my paradox presents itself clearly, my anxiety is targeted outwards at everything but me, my depression is targeted inwards and is solely focused on me. It has been at times a living hell.
Saturday was a turning point. I had wanted to do something for me for a while. I had not done it through fear of outside opinion, fear that it wasn’t the right choice, fear that it wasn’t me. However, I had just returned from a lovely week in Cornwall with the family. If anywhere on this Island can offer a head cleansing environment it’s Cornwall. The serenity of the place was immense. Whilst sat in a relatively secluded bay, watching the Atlantic punish the coastline, I experienced a degree of clarity I have not had for a while. I matter, what I want matters, who I am and who I want to be matter. The actual act on Saturday was simply getting a tattoo. Nothing crazy, nothing untoward, nothing dangerous, nothing that will hurt or impact anyone else. However, it was something special for me, it portrays my journey so far, it is part of me, it is who I am.
It is the first signs of Dan
Make It Ok 