Tag: Mental Health

Phoenix Rising

04/06/19

Here we go again, it’s update time. I’ve been less pro-active in the MH space since the last one. There has been lots of introspective auditing of my life, my decisions, my behaviours, my goals, my priorities, just me I guess. I’ll be honest, I’m not won over by a lot of what I see. I know I’m a good person with good intentions. I know, that at the time, I have always done things because I believed them to be the right option at the time. I know I have always endeavoured to consider my actions and their impacts on others.

However, I’m becoming more aware and therefore begin to feel able to understand the shadows that were obscuring much of that “appropriate” decision making, negatively influencing some of those behaviours and beliefs.

I’ve always pushed the facade of being strong, not caring what others think, gladly taking the strain, being the rock for my circle. Not alpha male by any stretch but a wolf at heart.

Behind the scenes, I’ve struggled, I’ve operated on a level of constant paranoia that I’m not doing a good enough job, that I’m letting people down, that I’m not doing my best, that people think I’m a failure, I think I’m a failure.

I have been existing in a self created paradox. My Anxiety can mean I care too much about everything. My Depression can mean I don’t really care about anything.

Combine the two and my paradox presents itself clearly, my anxiety is targeted outwards at everything but me, my depression is targeted inwards and is solely focused on me. It has been at times a living hell.

Saturday was a turning point. I had wanted to do something for me for a while. I had not done it through fear of outside opinion, fear that it wasn’t the right choice, fear that it wasn’t me. However, I had just returned from a lovely week in Cornwall with the family. If anywhere on this Island can offer a head cleansing environment it’s Cornwall. The serenity of the place was immense. Whilst sat in a relatively secluded bay, watching the Atlantic punish the coastline, I experienced a degree of clarity I have not had for a while. I matter, what I want matters, who I am and who I want to be matter. The actual act on Saturday was simply getting a tattoo. Nothing crazy, nothing untoward, nothing dangerous, nothing that will hurt or impact anyone else. However, it was something special for me, it portrays my journey so far, it is part of me, it is who I am.

It is the first signs of Dan

Breaking Point

01/05/19

We all have that dark place that lurks inside us. You know the one, it’s uncomfortable, it’s confusing, it makes you not understand you. We all pay it a visit from time to time, but we are strong and can find the way back to our better selves.

For some of us that path becomes less and less clear. We spend so much time trying to find a way back that it begins to become unclear what the way back is. Some of us don’t find the path and find ourselves frantically trying to stop that darkness from taking over entirely. We develop ways to survive. Some of us get good at surviving and to the outside world we pretend, but pretending is hard and comes at a significant price.

This is me, I can no longer pretend, that darkness has become all encompassing and has changed me from who I was supposed to be. I’m the grumpy one, the one that doesn’t smile the one whose cup is always half empty. I’m exhausted of trying to keep up the facade, even if it may seem to be a rubbish one it’s better than what is in my head. I’m done with being scared of potentially showing what is going on inside. It’s been dark for too long now.

Three rays of light in my life have kept me in the game. They have provided the constant desire to leave the darkness. They are my world, my everything, I owe it to them to find my way back.

18 months ago I had a wobble and ended up on medication. A healthy dose, for a while the darkness seemed to go away. It didn’t, it just led me to a different place, no dark, no light, just nothing. This is not ok. This is not how it should be. I cannot be there any longer.

This is not a call for help, this is not me screaming for attention, this is me saying no more. This statement is to make sure that anyone else who has or is or unfortunately will feel like me needs to know it’s not our fault, we are not just upset, we are not just sad. We are ill and unless we get help we will just continue to suffer in silence. Society is brutal, there are too many people like me. We must not let this happen, we must not be scared to admit we need help and we must be treated the same as anyone else with an illness. We should do everything we can to make the right help available at the right time. We have to take a step back and understand the causes so we can educate are future generations to not just accept that’s the way it is.

I want to get back, I will be me again, I owe it to my family and friends, but most importantly for the first time I can remember I owe it to me.

My name is Dan, I have suffered quietly with mental health issues for too long, somewhere along the line the wiring in my head went wrong, it’s not my fault.

I’ve booked in for a remap. I’m not entirely sure how long it will take and it’s likely gonna be a rough ride.

Hopefully at the other end i’ll no longer be grumpy, angry, dark Dan.

I will be Dan.